Late Night Snark: SCOTUS Star Chamber Edition
“For Texas and the Supreme Court, the end of summer has meant saying goodbye to people’s f*cking reproductive rights. … According to the [new Texas abortion] law, if you sue someone and actually win your frivolous misogyny lawsuit, you could get at least ten grand. Although you know people are gonna be pissed when that money only comes in Jesus Bucks—you can only sue them at Hobby Lobby, and even then they’re only good for pipe cleaners and long sticks.”
“All I’m saying is, if you’re in charge of one region of my body, what sense does that make? Just the uterus? At least take the whole bottom half—I want a federally-funded pedicure! Can you do that? Of course you can’t, you dumbf*c ks. So don’t take charge of the biggest decision I’ll ever make in my whole life when you can’t even get me a goddam pedicure!”
—Amber Ruffin on Late Night
You are now below the fold. This is an ivermectin-free zone.
“It was not a fun Labor Day covid-wise. The number of new cases is up 300 percent from a year ago. Dr. Fauci said that if hospitals get any more crowded, they’re going to have to make some very tough choices about who gets an ICU bed. That choice doesn’t seem so tough to me. Vaccinated person having a heart attack: come right on in, we’ll take care of ya. Unvaccinated guy who gobbled horse goo: rest in peace, wheezy.”
“President Biden gave a speech to outline his plan to curb the coronavirus. Please, get us out of this! We’ve been in the pandemic so long that my sourdough starter just got its learner’s permit.”
“President Biden traveled to New Jersey and New York to survey storm damage from the remnants of hurricane Ida. Then he’s gonna head to Texas to look into the abortion law, maybe drop by Florida to get some folks to wear masks, head to California to help with that recall mess, and then finish up the week in Maine to kill those lobster zombies. Oh, did you not hear? Yeah—every state has something bad.”
And two years ago this week, lest we forget…
“Donald Trump invited the Taliban to Camp David three days before 9/11. Next month he’s taking al Qaeda to Six Flags.”
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, September 10, 2021
Note: An important message for all horses who read C&J: Please do not take the Covid-19 vaccine to prevent worms. I know you’ve read all kinds of stuff on the horseynet. But trust me, you could end up at the glue factory if you believe the conspiracy theories those idiot anti-wormer quarter horses keep posting. Stick to ivermectin, now conveniently available in the medicine cabinet of any home with a Trump flag in front of it. (But if you’re a believer in critical race horse theory, you best just clip-clop on by, bub.)
—Dr. Billeh, DVM-in-training via watching You Tube videos
By the Numbers:
Days ’til autumn: 12
Days ’til voting ends in the California recall election: 4
Percent by which the Pfizer and Moderna Covid-19 vaccines keep people 50+ out of the hospital, according to a real-life study of 63,000 hospital visits: 90%
First-time jobless claims last week, a sharp drop from the previous week and a new pandemic-era low: 310,000
Estimated amount of electricity that could be generated by solar panels in the year 2035 without increasing costs to consumers, according to the Energy Department: 40%
Time that NBC Nightly News spent on Texas’s new voter suppression law Tuesday night: 20 seconds
Time that NBC Nightly News spent that same night on a cable TV miniseries about the Bill Clinton sex scandal: 90 seconds
Puppy Pic of the Day: Drummer pup…
CHEERS to putting on your angry dad face. Conservatives in positions of leadership were given more than enough time to get their Covid situation under control, and the result is as predictable as the sunrise: they sat on their hands, encouraged their cultists to ignore science and gulp down more horsey paste, and foisted the whole mess on their states’ overwhelmed doctors and nurses, who are now having to put up “No Vacancy” signs outside their ICUs and convert their Subarus into makeshift morgues. So Thursday afternoon America’s dad told the nation he’s tired of their shit and is laying down some new house rules:
“The Department of Labor is developing an emergency rule to require all employers with 100 or more employees, that together employ over 80 million workers, to ensure their workforces are fully vaccinated or show a negative test at least once a week. Some of the biggest companies are already requiring this: United Airlines, Disney, Tyson Foods, and even Fox News. The bottom line: We’re going to protect vaccinated workers from unvaccinated co-workers. […] I’m using that same authority to cover those who work in hospitals, home healthcare facilities, or other medical facilities—a total of 17 million healthcare workers.
Next, I will sign an executive order that will now require all executive branch federal employees to be vaccinated—all. And I’ve signed another executive order that will require federal contractors to do the same. […]
My message to unvaccinated Americans is this: What more is there to wait for? What more do you need to see? We’ve made vaccinations free, safe, and convenient. The vaccine is FDA approved. Over 200 million Americans have gotten at least one shot. We’ve been patient but our patience is wearing thin and your refusal has cost all of us. … Let me be blunt: my plan also takes on elected officials and states that are undermining you and these lifesaving actions. Right now, local school officials are trying to keep children safe in a pandemic while their governor picks a fight with them and even threatens their salaries or their jobs. Talk about bullying in schools. If these governors won’t help us beat the pandemic, I’ll use my power as President to get them out of the way.
If you’re taking suggestions, sir, might I suggest a sturdy bulldozer?
JEERS to That Day. Here we are once again, revisiting for the 20th time one of those dates in our nation’s history which will live in infamy. But at least the guy who orchestrated it finally met his fate in the raid of the century (thanks, Obama), and a new tower stands at Ground Zero like a middle-finger salute to al Qaeda. Time to dig up the 2001 C&J time capsule and remind ourselves of some truths that all the right-wing spinners in the world will never be able to whitewash:
» Most of the 9/11 hijackers were from Saudi Arabia, yet they paid no price for producing and harboring terrorists.
» The 8/6/01 PDB said: Bin Laden determined to Strike in U.S.
» Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11. 9/11 had nothing to do with Iraq.
» Sitting in a classroom for seven minutes after being told “America is under attack” was a poor display of leadership by the President of the United States.
» Donald Trump did not see thousands of Muslims in New Jersey cheering the fall of the towers. He did not pay hundreds of workers out of his own pocket and he did not help clear the rubble. But he did brag about how his was now the tallest building in Manhattan after the towers came down.
» We will never be able to put into words the scope of the heroism that first responders displayed, nor the cruelty of the Republican party that turned their backs on them when they needed medical care for Ground Zero-related health issues because, despite their promises, the air was not fine.
» Rudy Giuliani built his anti-terrorism command center in the World Trade Center against the advice of experts who knew better.
» Giuliani was not “at the site as often, if not more, than most of the workers.”
» The Republicans’ go-to spiritual adviser, Jerry Falwell, Sr. really said: “I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way…I point the finger in their face and say you helped this happen.” Jerry lives in Hell now, decked out in feather boas and strapped to a rotating disco ball for eternity.
» Republicans were the first to propagandize 9/11 in political campaign ads.
» Osama bin Laden was not caught by Bush dead or alive. He continued making videos and plotting more attacks until President Obama snatched him from his Pakistan porn palace.
I sometimes wonder how bin Laden and the 9/11 hijackers reacted when they found out the 72 virgins they met in the afterlife had orders from Allah to beat them with shoes for eternity. We’ll never know. But I hope it was a Kodak moment.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
JEERS to a very bad bench warmer. Twenty-nine years ago today, the Senate Judiciary Committee opened hearings on the nomination of Clarence Thomas to the Supreme Court. He was, of course, the first porn addict with a teabagger-activist wife to be elevated to the nation’s highest bench. And now we also have the first beer-chugging alleged rapist (Kavanaugh), the first guy to rule that a semi truck driver stranded in frigid cold should freeze to death rather than unhook his disabled trailer and drive to get help (Gorsuch), and the first lady to be officially designated by her People of Praise cult as a “handmaid” (Coney Barrett). Y’know, that’s what I love about this country—our commitment to diversity.
CHEERS to home vegetation. 9/11 commemorations, retrospectives, ceremonies, and “lessons learned” documentaries will dominate TV this weekend, as is appropriate if overwhelming.
Other than that, not a whole lot on the tube this weekend. The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The big sporting event this weekend is the return of NFL covid-football season. You can also check out the WNBA schedule here, while the baseball lineup is here. (If you’re wondering when NHL and NBA seasons start: October 2nd and October 19th.) And tomorrow from 3-5 NBC airs highlights of the 2020 Tokyo Paralympic Games. Sunday evening on the season premiere of 60 Minutes: a report and update on the firefighters who responded after the attacks on 9/11. From 8 to 11 the CW airs the MTV Music Awards. And according to my TV program guide—which has never been wrong in over 130 years—John Oliver is airing a new edition of last week Tonight at 11 on HBO.
Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
This Week: Sens. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) and Joe Manchin (JOEMANCHIN-WV); Surgeon General Vivek Murthy.
Face the Nation: House Jan. 6 Committee member Rep. Liz Cheney (R-WY); Former CIA Deputy Director Michael Morell; Mitt Romney’s niece Ronna Romney, who can’t use her real last name because Donald Trump hates it, so she has to use “McDaniel” LOLOLOLOL; former FDA honcho Scott Gottlieb; Pathologist-In-Chief at Texas Children’s Hospital James Versalovic.
CNN’s State of the Union: Sen. Joe Manchin (BOTHSIDES-WV); Surgeon General Murthy.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Didn’t see this coming: Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer visits Wackadoo Land.
Ten years ago in C&J: September 10, 2011
JEERS to setting a poor example for the k’ids. Old Navy got into some hot water by cranking out billions and billions (C&Js approximation—we lowballed) of T-shirts for school sports teams that read: Lets Go! In response, the company apologized and issued a brief statement: “Oop’s.”
And just one more…
CHEERS to a bright spot on an otherwise lousy day. Be sure to take a moment tomorrow to face Berkeley, California and shout (as required by law) ”Nifty nifty, Look who’s fifty!”
Yes indeed, our malevolent benevolent kingmaker, troll slayer, gate crasher, MSNBC guest, and blogging pioneer Markos Moulitsas Zuniga hits the half-century mark, and we wish him many blessings on his camels. On behalf of the C&J community, I got him the usual gifts: a new star pin for his Che beret (they tarnish so fast—drives me nuts), a new pair of “I brake for AOC” mud flaps, and a renewal of his subscription to Popular Hispanic Hippie Commie Pinko Socialist Libturd Moonbat Vegetarian Election Stealing Cyclists Monthly. It’s the least we could do. So that’s what we did.
Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?